I am typically very pro-law enforcement. Being from the suburbs, I respect the important responsibilities the police have—such as breaking up high school beer parties, setting up speed traps, and occasionally busting someone for having his dog off leash.

I also used to believe that bad guys always got busted, and the good guys always win. Despite a world of evidence the contrary, I clung to the naïve belief that crime didn’t pay. That is until an event that occurred this past weekend.

I was working at a club in Toledo, Ohio (I’m a stand-up comic, for those of you first discovering this column). During one of the shows, a drug-crazed thief smashed my car’s passenger side window and robbed me. How do I know he was drug crazed? Because, despite having very expensive electronics, cash, and even medication in my car, the thieves took a duffle bag and a pack of gum.

While I was at the glass shop getting the window replaced, I was informed that the thieves were looking for a GPS unit.

Apparently, crackheads are directionally challenged. Yes, nothing helps a dizzy, close-to-death drug addict more in life than turn-by-turn navigation. They can even use the “find nearby crack prices” feature to make sure they get the best bang for their stolen bucks.

The unfortunate thing is, I don’t even have a GPS. I do use a window suction-cup thingy for my cell phone when I drive. They saw that and figured I had one.

Also while at the glass shop, there was another person getting his windshield replaced because of a similar offense. He told me they broke his window, and despite having a very expensive GPS unit, they only took a digital camera and a pair of socks.

So I have come to the conclusion that the Toledo crackheads are on a scavenger hunt. When they all rendezvous under the freeway at three in the morning, the one with the most items on the list wins a pair of freshly stolen underwear.

But the real story here isn’t the crazy hijinks of drug addicts, it’s the Toledo police department. They refused to come to the club to take a report. I could call or go down to the station—but all they would do is create a formal document of the incident for insurance purposes. When I asked if they’d go after the perpetrators, the officer practically laughed.

This means that crime pays in Toledo, Ohio. And with the economic downturn, crime will be on the rise, and the Toledo smash-and-grab syndicate will surely be hiring.

For anyone looking for a job, get an eBay account, some leather gloves, and a baseball bat and you could very soon be making a tidy profit from my duffle bag.

Jeremy Greenberg is a writer and comedian from Kirkland. He is the author Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide. Visit www.relativediscomfort.com