First off, I won’t be endorsing either of the presidential candidates. I made myself a promise long ago to only vote for famous ex-athletes and movie stars. But I do think that we should consider which one will best serve the suburbs. The candidates plan on touring the country and holding “town hall-style” debates, which I guess are like regular debates, except afterward Shriners serve punch. Should they come here, forget the typical questions about healthcare or NAFTA — they’ll have prepared answers for those. Here are a few questions that, if posed, should tell us in suburbia all we need to know:
1. Does the candidate like burritos more than tacos?
Leaders are burrito eaters. They desire a control and cleanliness that taco eaters don’t. A burrito eater will wrap the Iraq war in a giant tortilla of control, making sure the ends are folded in to keep insurgent salsa from escaping. Taco lovers, conversely, will just let things pile up with no end in sight.
2. Who does each candidate think is hotter: Jessica Simpson or Angelina Jolie?
Our vote should go to the candidate who favors Jessica Simpson. We all know from those infomercials that she’s overcome acne. Many a suburbanite has also had to overcome similar blemishes — be it a pre-prom zit … or an outbreak of molehills in a newly sodded lawn.
Jolie, on the other hand, has adopted so many children from other countries she’s single-handedly usurping U.S. immigration policy. Soon, technology workers from India won’t be applying for H-1B visas — they’ll ask Angelina if she’ll adopt them. Not to mention that she wears a vial of blood around her neck. The only way that wouldn’t be weird is if she were Dracula’s St. Bernard.
3. Finally, which does the candidate prefer: Field Turf or natural grass?
The suburban candidate should embrace field turf. Natural grass is flawed and subject to the imperfections of nature. But field turf is synthetic perfection (it’s a rubber-composite material). A candidate who’s in favor of natural grass will probably force states to run those annoying environmental-impact studies before building new roads — just to make sure that adding a lane doesn’t wipe out some species of frog and cause a cascading effect up the food chain that will eventually lead to human extinction. But really, does anyone care if we go extinct if it means getting to work 15 minutes earlier? Besides, we can just replace the natural frogs with rubber-composite field frogs.
I hope these questions help you to make an informed decision. But remember, if you don’t care about voting, you don’t have to. No one can make you participate in the democratic process. After all, it’s a free country.
Jeremy Greenberg is a writer, comedian and resident of Kirkland. Learn more at www.jeremygreenberg.com.
