My twin sons are now about six weeks old – so, naturally, it’s time to begin applying to private preschools. I considered starting this process two weeks ago, but I believe kids need a chance to be kids.

I’m not opposed to sending them to public school. I believe in the Second Amendment right to bear arms. I’d just like them taught by someone other than a history major who couldn’t find a better job. Besides, everyone else in our neighborhood sends their kids to public schools. If my kids don’t get a fancy education, how are they going to develop that sense of self-worth that only comes from believing they’re better than those around them?

Also, since it’s springtime, both of my kids have started training for football season. I realize that since they’re just over a month old, their pediatrician may not clear them for full-contact play. But what do pediatricians know about making it to the pros? Sure, she may want to make sure my boys don’t suffer any brain trauma, but does she care whether or not they start on varsity as freshmen and go on to be All Americans?

As a parent, I’ve got to put their best interests ahead of safety. Someone’s got to help them realize my dream of being the father of great football players.

My kids are also starting to make friends. As a parent, it’s very important to make sure your newborns run (or crawl) with the right crowd. That’s why before a play date, I collect three years worth of W-2s and run a credit check on their prospective friend’s parents. Bad credit is typically a sign of other problems. If you wouldn’t let your babies hang out with that boy in the neighborhood who set a cat on fire, you should also steer them clear of anyone whose parents have missed a mortgage payment.

And it’s never too soon to teach your kids to be part of the cool crowd — by showing them how to judge other babies who may be a bit different. For example, if a prospective baby friend spits up too much, that’s a sign that when he gets older, that baby won’t be able to hold his, well you know. Drinking is an important part of socialization — my kids need to learn now to avoid lightweights.

I suppose the most exciting part of being the parent of infants is watching them prepare for their careers. One of my boys wants to be a rock star and the other an activist investor. I know about the rock star because the one time we had to give him a drop of Infant Tylenol, he lit up like it was the happiest day of his life. Surely, such a predilection for drugs promises a successful recording career.

And the other wants to be an activist investor, because he’s been trying to force Yahoo! to reconsider Microsoft’s bid.

~Jeremy Greenberg is a writer, comedian and resident of Kirkland. He is the author of the forthcoming book, Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide (Andrews McMeel). Learn more at www.jeremygreenberg.com.