By Cynthia Flash

Special to the Reporter

It was a business relationship turned midlife romance for Carolyn and Alan Yabui. She sold multimedia software and he was a teacher of intercultural communications who bought software on behalf of Bellevue College.

They bonded after she mentioned she’d won a trip to Hawaii, and he gave her travel tips based on his years growing up there. With visions of future adventures together, they married 15 years ago.

Fast forward to today. Alan Yabui is retired from the college after a 22-year teaching career that ended last November. At age 75, he’s been diagnosed with chronic kidney failure and Alzheimer’s disease. Carolyn, nine years younger, has a new role as his primary caregiver. As with many caregivers, her life now revolves around her husband’s needs.

“Caregiving is much more complicated than most people imagine,” the Kirkland woman said. “There’s the daily problem-solving or things to fix or clean up due to some of the things Alan does without thinking. There’s the usual cleaning and cooking and finances and driving. I do everything, basically.”

But, she adds, “Being a caregiver is more than daily chores. It includes how we feel and the symptoms we saw developing in our loved ones as the years went by, and not being able to do anything about it until finally a neurologist puts a brain problem into perspective. ‘It will only get worse,’ they say, but one has no clue how long one’s caregiving must go on. The future looks dim as life seems to pass us by while we age.”

November is National Family Caregivers Month, a time to recognize caregivers and all they do. This year’s theme is respite – the chance to take a breather, the opportunity to re-energize, an important item on any caregiver’s to-do list.

“People think of respite as a luxury, but considering caregivers’ increased risk for health issues from chronic stress, those risks are a lot costlier than some time away to recharge,” notes The Caregiver Action Network, a resource for caregivers.

“Respite is the key to your own well-being. Respite protects your own health, strengthens family relationships, prevents burn-out and allows your loved one to stay at home up to three times longer.”

Although Carolyn understands the need for respite, it’s actually a luxury since she doesn’t have friends or family to help with Alan. Instead, she hires another caregiver to fill in for her two Saturdays a month so she can get away to spend time with friends or her children.

Life these days isn’t how she imagined it would be 15 years ago. Carolyn takes Alan three times a week to Northwest Kidney Center’s Kirkland dialysis clinic for treatments to remove waste from his body and keep him alive.

When the couple traveled to Maui last year, she needed to arrange for him to receive dialysis treatments at a clinic there. It’s just one of the many activities she must do to help keep Alan healthy.

“It’s frustrating and it’s sad to see somebody go downhill,” she said. “And it’s overwhelming to have to do everything and to think of everything.”

Yet Carolyn works hard to keep Alan as healthy as possible – both mentally and physically. Sitting beside him, she makes him sort and count the 19 pills he takes each day. She has him take out the trash and get the mail, even when it means reminding him to come back in. They take cooking classes together so he has to pay attention as he cuts, stirs and tastes. “Since he likes to eat and he likes the company, there he does focus as best he can,” she said.

Despite early complications, Alan is doing well with dialysis now. Some of his former students work for Northwest Kidney Centers. The 12 hours he spends on dialysis every week give Carolyn time to run errands and catch up.

“Familiar, ongoing support is what keeps a lot of people going in the face of significant health challenges,” said Louise Kato, director of patient quality of life services at Northwest Kidney Centers. “And the caregiving job is probably the toughest there is. Respite is necessary and well-deserved.”

“For many dialysis patients and others with chronic illness, caregivers are absolutely essential to the patient’s success with treatment,” she said.