After the long holiday break, family tensions can reach a boiling point—everyone might be glad that school has started back up again! Fortunately, there are steps you can take to reduce family stress, now and in the year ahead.
Ultimately as parents, we want family harmony and children who understand the difference between right and wrong. Unfortunately, our discipline methods don’t always support this.
“Sometimes, getting your child to obey in the moment is not as important as helping them achieve long-term success,” explains Youth Eastside Services’ Parent Coach, Jennifer Watanabe. A shout or put-down might effectively stop an undesired behavior, but “the cause-and-effect” approach is what Jennifer recommends.
“By helping kids see the impact of their actions, you create a teaching moment, rather than just a disciplinary one. That way kids learn to do better next time, which ultimately improves family relationships and achieves the goal of better overall behavior.”
Be calm when speaking to children. If you raise your voice or get physical, your child will feel frightened—consequently, he or she will find it difficult to focus on what you’re saying.
Sometimes Jennifer recommends having children use their own words to repeat back to you what you’re asking—this helps ensure they understand what you intended.
It’s important to have age-appropriate expectations. If you’re unsure of what is developmentally appropriate for your child, talk with your pediatrician, look online at reputable websites (like American Academy of Pediatrics) or attend a class. For example, YES will launch a new series of Positive Parenting Classes beginning in February.
Also, be reasonable in your expectations. It sets everyone up for disappointment when you expect your kids to be perfect or achieve a milestone they aren’t ready for. With older kids, Jennifer recommends involving them in a solution—that way they are more likely to be successful.
The most effective tool we have in our parent discipline toolbox is love. Make sure your children know they are loved, even when you are upset with them. If your children are afraid of you or a harsh punishment, they will tend to hide their mistakes and even lie.
And if you find yourself in a constant discipline struggle, get help from a parent coach or counselor. Sometimes it’s hard to see our mistakes when we are in the midst of the battle.
Patti Skelton-McGougan is executive director of Youth Eastside Services (YES). YES is a nonprofit organization and a leading provider of youth counseling and substance abuse services in the region. Since 1968, YES has been a lifeline for kids and families, offering treatment, education and prevention services to help youth become healthy, confident and self-reliant and families to be strong, supportive and loving. While YES accepts insurance, Medicaid and offers a sliding scale, no one is turned away for inability to pay. For information, visit www.YouthEastsideServices.org.
