Anger is a natural, healthy emotion like love, sadness, or joy. And like all emotions, anger needs to be expressed — the key is learning to express it appropriately.
It’s important for our kids to understand that anger is normal and happens to everyone. Anger is also powerful, in part because it is fueled by adrenaline. That’s why some kids are frightened when they feel angry.
Anger left unexpressed may bubble over in a rage that can have tragic consequences. When kids or adults feel anger, it’s time to step back, take a deep breath, and put the self-control in gear. Here are some specific tools that can help.
Be a good example: Parents are a child’s first and most important teacher. If you yell, hit or throw things when you’re mad, your son or daughter will follow suit.
Recognize the signs: Help kids recognize the physical signs their body gives them, like a pounding heart, flushed face or a tightening of the muscles. When they feel that way, it’s good practice to take a moment to calm down. The tried and true “count to 10” is one simple way for a child to take a moment and breathe before lashing out.
Tune-in to feelings: Get kids to note what makes them angry and why. It’s not enough to say “it’s unfair.” Instead they should take the time to try and understand what specifically is unfair and why that makes them angry. The heat of the moment may not be the best time to have this discussion. After a cooling period, help your child look back over the situation.
Practice damage control: Once the anger trigger has been identified, help your child choose the solution that provides the most benefit with the least damage.
Try healthy stress relief: Help kids work out their anger in healthy ways like a fun pillow fight or a walk. Reward your child with your attention when they control their anger. “Go outside and run around the house five times fast. We’ll talk when you come back in.”
Call for help: Some problems are just too big for anyone to handle alone. Teach kids it’s okay to ask for support and help if they can’t resolve what makes them angry.
Let them know it’s OK: Tell your child that everyone gets angry — including you!
Talk about a time when you were angry and anger management helped you successfully resolve the problem in a positive way.
If your child is getting into physical fights, often argues heatedly with no resolution, seems always angry, holds onto grudges or “gets back” at people, consider seeking professional help.
Most counselors, including those at Youth Eastside Services, are equipped to teach effective anger management for parents and kids.
Patti Skelton-McGougan is executive director of Youth Eastside Services (YES). YES is a nonprofit organization and a leading provider of youth counseling and substance abuse services in the region. Since 1968, YES has been a lifeline for kids and families, offering treatment, education and prevention services to help youth become healthy, confident and self-reliant and families to be strong, supportive and loving. While YES accepts insurance, Medicaid and offers a sliding scale, no one is turned away for inability to pay. For more information, visit YouthEastsideServices.org.
