In its covert form, abuse is as treacherous as carbon monoxide poisoning — invisible, inodorous, fatal for the heart and the brain. It can lurk in crowded buses, empty hallways, anonymous browsers, and in the secrecy of bedrooms. Abuse denies agency to its survivor while arming the abuser with the violence of power.

But what happens when it’s directed at a three-year-old child who understands little about agency or violation? What happens when familial abuse unfolds in places and objects a child least expects — a doll, a parent, language learning, or a lesson in morals?

I met Jessica (pseudonym), a survivor of familial sex trafficking, and Audrey Baedke from the nonprofit REST (Real Escape from the Sex Trade) to understand the invisible reality of child abuse. REST offers support services to stabilize, recover, and reclaim the lives of over 800 survivors each year across the Greater Seattle area.

Jay: How would you describe your childhood?

Jessica: My childhood was very confusing. It had a lot of different faces to it that I had to learn and adapt to. The most normal thing was going to school and church, and being a part of a fairly well-to-do family with a nice home. My brothers and I went to a private school. But behind the closed doors of our home there was chronic and consistent sexual abuse between all members of the family. Domestic violence, physical abuse, emotional abuse. That was just a normal part of life, but there was a lot of effort put towards saving face and continuing to have this front of being a good family.

When I was at school, I had to keep a set of rules that were different from when I got home. When I was being trafficked, it was communicated that there were no rules. This was a time when people could do whatever they wanted and that was fun. But there were rules that I learnt like I wasn’t allowed to speak about being trafficked. I wasn’t allowed to talk about what I didn’t like. I wasn’t allowed to fight back or to be without substances.

There were behaviors in the trafficking context like being fed alcohol and drugs, and certain sexual behaviors that if I got the rules wrong and applied these to a school setting, it didn’t go well. If that happened, there was extreme physical abuse, punishment, and shaming. I was told I was sinful and going to hell. My childhood felt very confusing. It was like many different worlds I had to figure out how to survive in.

Jay: Who trafficked you? When did it all start?

Jessica: This started for me when I was in preschool. My biological father was my primary trafficker. I don’t call him dad anymore. The term biological father helps me distance the betrayal that was involved in what he did. He was a physician and very smart. He did a lot of research around psychological manipulation techniques and connected that to understanding my psychological development stages. For example, as I was learning words, he taught me that the word “massage” meant the behaviors of molestation and sexual abuse. It messed up my understanding of everything. Another example is “dance classes.” He turned those into sexual performances that we were exploited to do. And so, I truly thought “dance classes” were the same as how he was trafficking me. As a child, I didn’t know that’s what it was called or what was happening.

Jay: Who were you trafficked to? How was your biological father getting away with a crime of this proportion?

Jessica: My brothers and I were trafficked to lots of different people. The first group of people that we were trafficked to were celebrities. Travel related to that was hard to pull off on a regular basis, so things got a little more local. And when it got more local, we were trafficked to athletic and religious communities. I was also trafficked to a teacher of mine and to some neighbors. It was different groups of people that my biological father found and was able to build off on this interest in us. And in terms of getting away with it, he’s a physician, he’s a White man. He has this privilege that’s external. Not a lot of people questioned it. I have many memories of us getting caught, and he would always describe it as “we’re gonna get in trouble.” He’s a very smart person and he could always manipulate us and the situation.

Jay: Can you think of any incident where your biological father manipulated the situation to prevent getting caught?

Jessica: There was a caseworker from CPS (Child Protection Services) who came to our home to interview me. They have dolls that they use with kids. But my biological father bought a doll and he wanted me to use this doll so he could manipulate me with that. When the caseworker came, he asked if we could use the doll that I had. The caseworker agreed. He had already taught me how to interact with the doll and how to answer questions. It was like talking about where I was touched, on what body parts. How I was treated in my body — so it was a way to relate to the doll.

Jay: Tell me a little more about the doll and how he used it to manipulate you.

Jessica: I wouldn’t have been older than six or seven. It was a doll that I didn’t like. A raggedy doll which I never played with. I didn’t have any other dolls like that. So, it was a new doll. The other dolls I played with were Barbies usually, which were more human-like. That was a part of what he manipulated because a raggedy doll is like cloth. It doesn’t have the shape of a body, like a Barbie. Its hair is yarn, its face is flat. Like it’s not very human like. I didn’t like the clothes on that doll that he gave me. It was like he created this distance so that I didn’t relate to the doll. I didn’t think of the doll as anything that would be similar to what the caseworker would try to do, which is get me to talk about body parts.

Jay: Were you allowed to do anything outside the control of your trafficker? Suppose, to meet a friend from school, get groceries, or do something outside his purview?

Jessica: Yeah, I did have those normal things, but less so than other kids because we were busy. The trafficking took up a lot of time but I do have memories of those types of activities.

What I remember clearly about them was that they were great for me. Those were great opportunities but also, I didn’t know how to play in them. There were these different rules and, I now know that a way children express trauma is they’ll play and act it out. So, I would play with my friends in ways that were not socially normal. I would develop friendships and then I would play inappropriately and not be allowed to play with that kid ever again. There were fractions of a normal life but it was really hard to develop this type of consistency that a lot of people can have by playing with the same friends.

Jay: Do you recall any such incident where you did not play the way children are assumed to play?

Jessica: I was constantly engaging in sexual play because it’s just what I knew.

Jay: How can we educate parents to recognize the underlying issues that cause children to act out, rather than simply isolating a child?

Audrey: Children often act out the abuse they’ve faced with other kids. What tends to happen is that when parents see that, instead of addressing it, being concerned for the child, or asking what adults in their lives are causing them to play this way, parents tend to go into protection mode to keep their own kids away from that child who’s “the bad kid.” It’s a similar thing for kids that are really violent, abusive, or harsh with their friends. Nobody’s asking who’s hitting this kid, who’s being violent with this kid. They’re just deciding, oh, wow, this kid is being violent towards my kid. I’m going to keep my child from playing with them. Part of the solution is paying attention, watching for patterns, and caring beyond just the protection for my own kids to the protection for all kids. The other solution is to notify CPS. Though two thirds of people who’ve experienced trafficking in the US, were involved in the foster care system. Being in the foster care system can make someone incredibly vulnerable.

Jay: What patterns of abuse should parents watch out for when children are at play?

Audrey: With trafficking there’s an overlap between sexual abuse and physical abuse, so it can include a lot of the fear, anxiety, having phobias, having nightmares or sleeping problems, hyperactivity, absenteeism from school. Bed wetting, eating issues, speech disorders. Then, acting out sexual or violent behaviors.

What can be really hard is that with kids in particular, but adults also, these are the signs that trauma has happened. But we often blame the person who has experienced trauma for the behaviors they exhibit instead of understanding. This is a natural response to having harm done, which always feels unfair because if I didn’t ask for the harm to be done then I shouldn’t be blamed for the symptoms I have. And then it’s hard again because as a parent, kids may have these issues and it doesn’t always mean that abuse has happened. This is why familial trafficking is so difficult because it is really easy to hide because parents have complete access to their children. Their children have trauma bonds with them because their survival depends on them.

Jay: How do you want your story to be told and which aspects of it matter most to you?

Jessica: The experience of children and trauma is really important to me and my story. That experience is so different from how an adult relates to trauma. Like some of the aspects of being abused as a child, not knowing things, and how the manipulation was different—as a result of which my development was affected. Those are experiences that have taken so much emotional labor, therapy, and education to recover from.

I don’t think people like to challenge what makes them feel comfortable. People continue to think of families in a certain way. They really need to be willing to accept that really bad things happen in families, like parents sell their children.

One thing that’s also important is for it to be known about my biological father. Many people said he was the nicest person they had ever met. He was incredibly charming, very good with people. I think people have a lot of ideas of what trafficking looks like. They have ideas of who and what traffickers look like, their demographics, socioeconomic needs. But it’s important that people know that both traffickers and buyers can be anyone. And that’s an unsettling idea, but it’s also the truth. They’re not categorized by demographic or social class or something that is really obvious about them.

If you want to become an ally to ending sex trafficking, visit iwantrest.com or register for their upcoming gala on Oct. 17, 2024.