Anyone notice that fall can be a stressful time? As the leaves change to all their glory, so do our schedules. From the relaxed days of summer fun and vacations to early morning wake-ups for school, soccer games and practice, music lessons and volunteering in the classroom. There’s the yearly financial drain too. Every time I turn around my kids need another check for school pictures, piano lessons and more.
On top of all that we have shorter days with more darkness and often more clouds and rain. I notice my patience being shortened as I repeatedly check the calendar to make sure I haven’t missed my sign up for soccer snack or left a child waiting at piano lessons. I find that I’m quick to lash out at my kids and don’t find many moments to connect and laugh with them. Perhaps it’s time that we all take a break, breathe deeply, count to 10 and do something nice for ourselves.
Recently, I watched the PBS program “The Secret Life of the Brain” and was reminded that we are “emotional machines that think.” Our emotions have a physical place in the brain and each emotion has a neuron circuitry that has evolved over millions of years. And could it be that when life gets stressful this emotional machine of ours takes over the thinking rational part of us. Perhaps it does. In their book, “Parenting from the Inside Out,” (Penguin, 2003) authors Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell help explain what goes on in our brain when our emotions take over and we “lose it.”
Their model is called “Brain in the Palm of the Hand.” To imitate this model, make a fist with your hand. Put your thumb inside your four fingers and pretend that this is your brain. Your four fingers represent the prefrontal cortex of your brain: the thinking, rational part of your brain. Underneath your fingers is your thumb. This is the amygdala or the threat and fear part of the brain also known as fight or flight.
Now pretend that your brain has “flipped its lid.” Throw back your fingers and there is the fight or flight part of our brain, right where your thumb is. When we have flipped our lid, we can no longer access the rational, thinking part of our brain. We want to yell, dominate and have power over, or we want to retreat and run away from what is going on. In this state, we cannot rationally discuss with another, hear another person’s reasoning or find cognitive solutions to the problem. When teaching children this model, I often refer to this as “dinosaur brain,” a descriptive metaphor.
Ever notice that when you flip your lid, others around you flip their lid too? This imitation and reaction to flipped lids is partly due to the mirror neurons in our brain. If I yawn, someone else may unconsciously yawn. If I flip my lid, my kids might do the same.
Flipping our lid is uncomfortable. It is often followed by feelings of guilt and remorse. As parents we don’t want to lose it with our children. We would prefer to remain calm and maintain our rational, thinking part of our brain. Following are some ideas that might help you have fewer moments of losing and more opportunities to find your calm:
• Share the “Brain in the Palm of your Hand” with your children. Let the “flipped lid” be a hand signal you each can use to warn others that you’re about to flip your lid, or to give a silent signal to each other that it might be time to take a break.
• Take a break! When you feel your emotional temperature rising, take a break. Count to 10, breathe deeply, or call a friend. Give your kids the “flipped lid signal,” tell them you need to take a break and remove yourself from the situation. If you learn to take a break when feeling upset, guess what your kids will learn to do when they are upset? Modeling is powerful when it comes to flipping your lid or keeping your cool.
• Be gentle on yourself. Allow for mistakes and moments of losing it. Afterwards ask yourself what you learned and make amends where necessary. Allow your children to make mistakes too, and when everyone has cooled down, ask them what they learned and what kind of repair or amends they need to make.
• Remember the three “R’s” of making a mistake. Recognize: “Whoops I made a mistake, I yelled at you.” Reconcile: “I apologize, this is not how I want to handle conflicts.” Resolve: “Let’s work on a solution together.”
• Respond rather than react. Move to a place where you can emotionally detach and respond to the situation. Use emotional honesty. When upset share your feelings: “I feel very discouraged and challenged when I ask you to help clear the table and you leave to watch TV.”
Melanie is a Certified Positive Discipline Trainer, teaching parenting classes based on Positive Discipline, and providing parent coaching services. She lives in Kirkland and is the mother of two children. Contact her at Melanie_miller@frontier.
