(The following is an excerpt from Jeremy Greenberg’s new book, “Relative Discomfort.”)

Environment

Whether you are from the city, country, or a suburb, if you’re traveling to a different environment, it can be very shocking. Let’s take a moment and review some things we can do to prepare for these seldom visited places and the people who live there.

I’m Walking Here!

If you’re from the country, sometimes big cities like New York or Chicago can be more annoying than the family members we’re visiting there. To prepare for your visit to a congested city, begin by packing all your animals into the barn. Try to use as many goats, oxen and pigs as you can, since these animals do an excellent job of simulating people from large, devil-worshiping cities. Pack them in there really tight, then try walking from one end of the barn to the other. Notice how no one says “excuse me,” and a few of them even pee on you. That is exactly what it’s like to be in a big city. If you’ve got a pet sheep that can play the harmonica and beg for change, sit him at the entrance to the barn.

Y’all Talk Slower Than Molasses

Visiting rural areas can often feel like you’re spending several days in a slow-motion movie sequence. To get ready for seeing your country relatives, I recommend having conversations with anyone you know who has a stutter or learning disorder. This will help you to keep from losing your mind when country cousin Carol eats up 20 minutes of your life describing the features of her new cordless telephone.

Wishing Your S.U.V. Was Hot Like Mine

Suburbs are probably the easiest foreign environments to visit, so long as you aren’t a tree-hugging, housing sprawl-hating environmentalist; or one of those people who’s into art, culture and similar terrorist activities. If that describes you, the following little trick will help you see that suburbanites aren’t just corporate robots, they’re family:

Have you ever seen the look on Angelina Jolie’s face when she’s in Africa shopping for new children? She isn’t disgusted because the African village doesn’t have a poetry night. She sees the place not as devoid of culture, but as having its own, unique culture. You must look upon your suburbanite relatives in the same way. The same pride an African chieftain feels about his brand-new banana-leaf codpiece is exactly what your suburban relatives feel about their new 40-foot, stainless steel barbecue grill. Suburbanites are a simple, yet beautiful people. We can learn a lot from them.